Pennywise the dancing clown has turned a generation off of clowning. What would happen if the clowns of America International sued him for misrepresentation?

This piece originally appeared in my Monster Mashup Part 2 short fiction collection.

The Clowns of America International Vs. Pennywise 

Pennywise was already gnawing on the microphone by the time the attorney for the plaintiff approached the bench.

She folded her glasses. “Now that was a fine story. If this was the first time I’d heard of Pennywise: the dancing clown bringing balloons to kids at the hospital, I’d say you were a hero.”

The defense attorney shot up. “Objection: badgering.”

The judge twirled her finger at the attorney for the plaintiff. “Get to the point.”

The attorney tongued the inside of her cheek. “Could you tell the court what those balloons were filled with?”

Pennywise fluttered his eyes. “Blood, but that’s just because helium is so unhealthy for young lungs. Still, my balloons float. They all float down here.”

The attorney nodded, unfazed. “In addition to offering laughter therapy, what are your other contributions to the hospital?”

Pennywise straightened his posture. “I deliver bodies to the morgue when the staff is  occupied.” He smiled showing a mouth full of shark’s teeth.

The attorney grabbed a folder of her desk. Six hobo clowns sat at the table, gripping their bindles in anger.

The attorney waved a document. “Isn’t it true that under your watch at St. John’s, seven bodies went missing?”

The defense attorney slapped their desk. “Objection: speculation.”

The judge rolled her eyes. “Sustained.”

The attorney for the plaintiff approached the bench. “Permission to treat the witness as hostile.”

“On what basis?”

The attorney looked to the demon clown, leering at her with those glowing amber eyes.

“He keeps flashing his fangs at me.”

The judge looked to the stand to find Pennywise pulling a series of knotted snakes out of his pocket, discarding the slithering pile on the courtroom floor.

She nodded to the attorney. “Okay, I’ll allow it.”

The attorney for the plaintiff waved a document in Pennywise’s face. “Isn’t it true that you were the nurse responsible for delivering each of the missing bodies?”

Making puppy dog eyes, Pennywise shift his head back and forth. “May-haps.”

“So what happened to those bodies?”

Pennywise belched.

The court erupted in laughter. Pennywise honked his nose and gave the gallery a little wave.

The judge struck her gavel. “Order! Order!”

The attorney snapped her fingers to get Pennywise’s attention. “Are you familiar with the term coulrophobia?”

The clown shook his head. “Nyuk-nyuk.”

“It means fear of clowns.” The attorney motioned to the frowning hobos behind her table. “Clowns like the Clowns of America international, who feel misrepresented when someone claiming to be one of them takes a position in a children’s ward with the sole purpose of feasting on cadavers.”

Pennywise yawned, plucked out his eyes, and started juggling. “I get peckish, after a couple of cartwheels. So sue me.”

The attorney for the plaintiff waved her hands over the clown’s empty eye sockets. “Um, Mr. Pennywise, that’s exactly what we’re doing here.”

***

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