What if Pinhead and the cenobites from Hellraiser came every time someone solved a Rubik’s Cube?

This piece originally appeared in my Monster Mashup Part 2 short fiction collection.

Pinhead finds the Rubik’s Cube

At this point the Rubik’s Cube wasn’t a threat to Theodor’s intellect. It was a threat to his masculinity. The orange side had been solid for half an hour. The other colors refused to go along with the program. His solution was to drink more wine.

Theodor randomly twisted the puzzle until he managed to make a blue T shape. He reverse engineered the process and replicated it on the other sides. He turned the bottom until he made a red cross. Another strategy came to him while he dug into the lower corners. He downed his glass and applied this method everywhere.

All that was left were a few straggling colors on the edges. Turns out, these were the bastards of the bunch.

Theodor chucked the cube into the fireplace, topped off his glass, and struggled to get the cube out without searing his fingers. He’d beat this thing, even if he had to get creative.

Several glasses passed. When Theodor turned the final piece into place the room began to shake. The chandelier swung back and forth, scattering crystalline patterns across the room. Either Theodor was drunk or there was something wrong with the shadows the lights were casting. Those dark spots didn’t stop at the walls, they pushed through them, making holes, holes that grew with the swaying of the chandelier. The pendulum motion eroded the room, revealing four long caverns beneath the bricks.

Theodor peered in to see four figures approaching. They were dressed like clergymen in some kind of bondage gear. There skin was pallid, the color of death. As they neared, the light revealed tears in their garments where fresh wounds gushed in torrents.

A hulking creature entered the room. The skin of his upper lip was stretched over his head. His teeth chattered. A bald, but feminine figure, entered beside him. She had a ornamental tracheotomy with wires holding her throat open for all the world to see. A mountain of blubber crossed the room to join them. His eyes were sewn shut. The gashes in his chest were wide open, basting his belly in blood.

The trio made room for a final figure, who took his time stepping into the light. There were slits in his robes where a network of piercings zigzagged across his chest. His face was covered in a grid of pins, meticulously hammered into his skull.

Theodor fell over the arm of the chair he’d been sitting in. “Who are you? What are you doing here?”

Pinhead stepped forward. “We are connoisseurs of suffering, looking for fresh gashes to suit our palates. You solved the Rubik’s Configuration and we came, so that you too may taste our pleasures.”

Theodor ducked behind the chair. “No thanks, we’re all good on pleasure here. Feel free to leave the way you came in.”

The female licked her lips. “This one teases, claiming ignorance.” Her throat opened and closed as she spoke.

Pinhead reached out. The cube flew into his grip. “We cannot return alone, not without some fresh flesh.”

Theodor pointed over the armrest. “There’s some ground chuck in the fridge. Help yourself.”

Suddenly, the chair filled with a series of hooks. They linked to chains that drooped from the ceiling.

With a flick of the wrist Pinhead flung the chair across the room. Twirling his fingers he directed the chains into a holding pattern over Theodor’s head.

Pinhead passed the cube from hand to hand. “All right, you’ve whet our appetite. The time has come for the main course.”

Raising his hand to direct the hooks, Pinhead noticed a red square shaped sticker on the tip of his finger. He examined the Rubik’s Cube. It was missing something. “Did you peel some of these blocks off and switch them around?”

Theodor tried to speak through panicked breaths. “Does, does that matter?”

Pinhead spun around on his heel. “Cenobites, return to the Labyrinth.”

The female balled her hands into fists. “But he solved the box, we must play with him, pierce his flesh, draw his pain out into exquisite pleasure.”

Pinhead shook his head. “It doesn’t count. He cheated.”

Pinhead tossed the counterfeit cube at Theodor’s feet. Then they were gone.

***

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