Unblessed Reformatted

#Unblessed: A Scary Story Told 140 Characters At a Time

The following Tweets were posted between 3:05 and 3:20 AM on Friday April 29, 2016. They were geotagged along the bank of the Mississippi in Minneapolis Minnesota, between Central Avenue and the Stone Arch Bridge. Signs of arson were detected in the Pillsbury A-Mill, downed trees were found throughout the Father Hennepin Bluff Park, and strange prints were spotted along the north bank of the river. No bodies were discovered and the legitimacy of the following Tweets is still in question.

•••

(1/?) #ThatMomentWhen I woke up, bound in a silo, with a hooded figure standing over me & I realized this wasn’t a sleep study

(2/?) The stench of rotten grain, mildew, and rat shit was going to do nothing for my sleep apnea #CraigsListFail

(3/?) The figure drew a rabbit from his robe, slit its throat & smeared the blood on my arm #AnimalCruelty #BadTouch

(4/?) I #Overheard him say, “This is the spirit of the prey. Nourishment for the hunter & ruin for the sleeper”

(5/?) The others echoed the figure’s incantation from their places on the staircase. Each one was holding a candle

(6/?) Their tiny sparks stretched deep into the mill like constellations #Overwhelmed #IntrovertProblems

(7/?) The cultists chanted, “The black portal opens. The shadow of night descends. The eater of dreams comes.”

(8/?) A #StangeSound, like tortured #WhaleSong, shook the building. The stairs started collapsing #CrumblingInfrastructure

(9/?) Cultists tripped on their skirts, setting each other aflame, like dominos until they reached the leader #CraziestThingIveEverSeen

(10/?) He died screaming. That’s what he got for playing with fire while wearing cotton #CultShaming #SorryNotSorry

(11/?) My restraints ignited as the landing fell out from under me. #ICantBelieveISurvived but the gurney I was strapped to broke my fall

(12/?) #INearlyFainted when the #WhaleSong turned to screams as I fled the building. Once outside, I realized I was @ Pillsbury A-Mill #Mpls

(13/?) The monster’s shadow stretched across the silos. Its bat-like face had a long snout with big angry fangs

(14/?) A spiked fin ran across its armored back which rested on a row of tenrec ales

(15/?) Sorry, I meant “tentacles” NOT “tenrec ales” #AutoCorrectFail

(16/?) I ran across the street to hide @ the Father Hennepin Bluff Park, leapt over a chain & fell down an eroded staircase #SaveOurParks

(17/?) The ground shook. Birds fled. Gravel rolled. Branches rained down. The railing came loose and hit me in the nose #NotMyDay

(18/?) Whatever the Craigslist cult had unleashed was tracking the rabbit’s blood smeared down my hand. I had to clean it off

(19/?) Once I reached the foot of the stairs I had a clear path to the Mississippi and I ran faster than I could text #Humblebrag

(20/?) I baptized my hand in the river until the quakes subsided and the monster seemed to have lost my scent #Winning

(21/?) I checked my pocket to find I’d joined #TeamBrokeniPhone #ThankYouApple

(22/?) Now before you go #VictimBlaming, I didn’t just start tweeting. I called the cops but the MPD has a slow response time #911IsAJoke

(23/?) I was requesting an Uber when a giant tentacle hit the water, upending the bottles and condoms that lined the beach

(24/?) I looked up to find the monster’s shadow was its form. It was just as big, black, and featureless in the third dimension #SwearToGod

(25/?) The monster stood as tall as the tree line. It craned its neck & sniffed the air. Drool ran down its chin as dark as petrol #OilSpill

(26/?) I spotted a storm drain between its legs. I crawled toward the entrance and wiggled inside without making a sound #Skills

(27/?) I pressed forward only to find my way was blocked by bars. That’s when my phone started ringing. #BadUberDriver

(28/?) #SpoilerAlert The monster found me and now it’s wrapped its massive jaws around the drain just waiting to swallow me up

(29/?) With my flashlight on the monster’s mouth looks like a mineshaft filled with big black stalactites #DontWantToBeHere

(30/?) I’m live tweeting my own death to warn others. If a sleep study says, “No insurance necessary” #BuyerBeware

(31/?) God, I hope somebody sees this and Twitter’s algorithm doesn’t bury my last will and testament #TeamLiveTimeLine

(32/?) .@beyonce and @taylorswift13 feud just turned ugly. #SeeAboveTweets for all the nasty deets

(33/?) .@HamillHimself just dropped a massive #StarWars Episode 8 SPOILER! #SeeAboveTweets for the secret deets

(34/?) .@GRRMspeaking is suing @HBO over handling of @GameOfThrones final seasons? #SeeAboveTweets for all the deets

(35/?) Okay, that ought to do the trick #ClickBait #AlgorithmHack

(36/?) Tomorrow morning you should Google “Body found beneath the Stone Arch Bridge.” Yeah, that’s me #HiMomImFamous

(37/?) #FML The monster’s tongue is licking the rim of the drain in a circular pattern, as thick and meaty as a python

(38/?) Its breath reeks like raw sewage, decomposing bodies, and fresh Arby’s #Halitosis

(39/?) I’m balled up, pressed against the bars, waiting for the inevitable to happen. Here it comes…

(40/40) #Unblessed

Unblessed

The Minneapolis Police Department arrived on the scene at 4:30 AM. They found a small homeless encampment down the shore, but no sign of cultists or the man who’d called 911. MNDOT employees discovered a password protected iPhone in a storm drain near the Mississippi. The MPD had no means of breaking the encryption or identifying if the phone was where the tweets had originated from.

An Uber driver was hospitalized after what appeared to be a head-on collision with a vehicle that fled the scene. When the driver came to he denied the assumption that another vehicle was involved. He told detectives he saw a giant sea monster with a spiked fin, long tentacles, and a man’s shoe stuck in its teeth. The driver claimed the creature’s shadow stretched across the Pillsbury A-Mill, collapsed, and disappeared.

A man’s shoe was discovered in the lawn near the silos. It was covered in blood and there was hole in the sole about the size of a baseball. That’s all we know so far.

•••

My audiobook Terms and Conditions is now free on Bandcamp. You can listen to it right here!

One thought on “#Unblessed: A Scary Story Told 140 Characters At a Time”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s