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Constantine Pilot Review (Updated)

An Obsessive Hellblazer Fan Reviews the New Adaptation

How does NBC's Constantine stack up to the original Hellblazer Series?
How does NBC’s Constantine stack up against the original Hellblazer comics?

I’ve seen the Constantine pilot months before its October 24 premiere on NBC. As someone who owns every issue of John Constantine: Hellblazer, someone who’s been following the series for twenty years, someone who took his long locks to the barbershop, pointed to the cover of a comic book and said, “This,” I think I’m the right guy to review it.

Spoilers ahead.

Pilot Summary

Laying low in Ravenscar Asylum, recovering demonologist John Constantine is trying to put the past behind him. Strapping himself in for electroshock, he’s desperate to wipe away the memory of an exorcism gone wrong. When a spirit possesses a patient, to make a mixed media mural with paint and cockroaches, John stops kidding himself. The writing’s on the wall and it’s spelt out a name.

Liv Aberdine is having car trouble. The anti-crash system is convinced there’s someone behind her vehicle. Crossing the lot, she’s nearly swallowed in a sinkhole explosion. That’s when Constantine, sidestepping the 14 hour trip from Ravenscar to Atlanta, hops out of a cab. He’s under orders by the ghost of Liv’s father to protect her, which he does by giving her his card and leaving her to walk alone.

Sliding into the sinkhole, John meets Manny, the angel of vague leading statements. Swooping down to prophesize how eventful the legions of hell will make the series, Manny tells John that he’s going to need his help in a fight, before fleeing at the sound of sirens.

Liv meets with John after a friend in her complex is murdered. Their conversation is cut short when the same friend’s reanimated corpse crashes into her office.

John teaches Liv the art of seeing dead people, with the help of her father’s magic amulet. The pair venture to her father’s hideaway (the set piece we’ll probably be seeing over the life of the series) where they find a library of enchanted objects.

Consulting an ancient text for information on electric apparitions (Benjamin Franklin harnessed lightning in 1752 so the age of the text is debatable), John realizes they’re dealing with a demon named Furcifer. Fur, as in wool, Cifer, as in Louis C-fifer (names are always tough for writers).

Manny returns to play the metatron of forced exposition, telling John he might be able to win his way out of hell with good behavior, something John was doing despite Manny’s divine intervention.

John consults Ritchie Simpson, a techie who uses buzzwords like “data-mining,” to help him hack a power grid.

Using Liv as bait, Constantine tricks Furcifer into breaching a weak protection circle, only to become vulnerable when Ritchie cuts the power. Conjuring up a manifestation of Astrid, Furcifer let’s the audience know that this is the carrot the series intends to dangle over our heads. When Astrid is revealed to be a psychic forgery, John dispatches the demon with a series of vague spiritual incantations.

Using her father’s amulet to “scry,” Liv bleeds onto a map of the United States, finding people in peril, setting up future episodes.

Channeling John Constantine through Tim Bradsteet's original cover art.
Channeling John Constantine through Tim Bradsteet’s original cover art.

WHAT WORKS:

John is Great

Fans of Hellblazer will be happy to know the show runners are drawing their inspiration from the original series, ignoring the 2005 movie, and the New 52’s take on the character. This version of John uses spells and incantations, rather than a crucifix-shaped shotgun. I don’t think we’ll have to worry about him getting kicked out of the Batmobile for smoking, or dressing up as Shazam.

In this universe, John is a Brit, Chas is an adult, John’s original sin is not a botched suicide attempt, but Astrid’s exorcism. The pilot even teases series mainstays Newcastle and the First of the Fallen.

The Constantine in the pilot I saw smoked, he never put a cigarette to his lips, but he put one out in an ash tray. This doesn’t bother me. I don’t need to see John blow smoke rings in every episode, but I’m glad they left the lung cancer plot line on the table.

I’m not one of those fan boys that demands dogmatic adherence to the source material. I don’t care if John is a bleached blond, wearing a thin tie, and tan trench coat, what I do care about is the spirit of the character, that’s what they get right here.

Matt Ryan, the man who helped redeem the Assassin’s Creed franchise (voicing Edward Kenway in Black Flag), nails the character. Smirking in the face of evil, he’s charismatic, cocksure, with a hint of cowardice. He’s an underdog with swagger, with the iconic look of Tim Bradstreet’s Hellblazer covers. Matt Ryan is everything the 2005 movie was missing.

It will be hard to imagine Guillermo Del Toro doing the rumored Justice League Dark movie with another actor.

Does NBC's new Constantine series have the bite of the original Hellblazer comics?
Does NBC’s new Constantine series have the bite of the original Hellblazer comics?

WHAT NEEDS WORK:

In addition to being an über Hellblazer fan, I also have a professional background in script analysis. I liked the pilot, but I want this series to last. These things will need work if it’s going to do that.

The Supporting Characters

The show runners got John’s character down, but everyone else feels flat. There are too many tropes filling in for the supporting cast, IOUs where characterization and compelling goals should be.

As a True Blood fan, I know Lucy Griffiths can be great on screen. Here she feels like she’s reprising Rachel Weisz’s character from the 2005 feature. Liv is a Jill-everywoman, destined to be out shined by her leading man. My fear is that the series bible just has the words “Noble, stoic,” and “headstrong” next to her character.

I want to see her take on an argumentative role, be the Agent Scully to Constantine’s Mulder.

As a Lost fan, I know Harold Perrineau has a broader range than he’s allowed to show here. Here’s to hoping the angel Manny has more dimensions than a tool for exposition. I’d love to see him visit other conjurers, hedging his bets.

Does NBC's Constantine dogmatically follow it's source material?
Does NBC’s Constantine dogmatically follow its source material?

Pacing is a Problem

Breakneck speed isn’t good when you have to rubberneck to follow the plot. Here’s to hoping the scene count goes down in future episodes. Horror needs a slower burn to reach a boiling point. The jump scares go by so fast that we shrug them off.

The pilot rushes through a series of events, but it fails to connect them. Liv is attacked by an electricity demon AND THEN she meets John Constantine who tells her she’s in danger AND THEN John investigates a sinkhole AND THEN an angel appears to tell him of the rising demon legion. Are you sensing a pattern? There are far too many AND THEN’s in place of BUTs and THEREFOREs. Future episodes need a better balance between cause and effect.

The Dialogue

Apart from Constantine’s lines, which have just the right mix of British slang and quick wit, the banter left a lot to be desired. It reminded me of watching ABC’s Elementary, Johnny Lee Miller’s Sherlock Homes is great, but the show defaults to a cheap cop drama whenever he’s not on screen.

The Blood Map

The blood map is too convenient. These dots across the US are a weaker plot device than the visions from the Powers that Be on Angel, John Winchester’s paper trail on Supernatural, and the machine on Person of Interest. The days of syndicated reruns are long gone, this is a series that needs to follow the model of serialization. The blood map sets up a standalone structure.

Does NBC's Constantine have a prayer of saving supernatural horror?
Does NBC’s Constantine have a prayer of saving supernatural horror?

The Demons

As moviegoers we’ve seen our share of white-eyed stretch-marked possession victims. Show us something this summer’s Deliver Us from Evil isn’t bringing.

The demons lacked imagination. Rather than look to the horned goat-legged etchings that every show like Sleepy Hollow draws from, I implore the show runners to check out Joel-Peter Witkin, the photographer who inspired the creatures in Jacob’s Ladder, Dave Mckean, the Sandman cover artist, or even the creature design in the Silent Hill video games. Horns and hooves are so last century, now it’s all about disfiguring abnormalities.

We measure our hero’s worth by their opposition, based on these monsters, John isn’t long for our TV screens. He needs worthy opponents, foes that play him against other demons. In the books, the denizens of hell are territorial, feuding mob families using John as an unwilling go between. Hellblazer has more in common with The Big Sleep than The Exorcist, the show runners should play with that.

John tricks demons into fleeing, playing one faction against the other. There are hints of this in the pilot, but nothing like a proper grift.

The Magic

In the comics, Constantine’s spells have a dark poetry to them, combining charms, vices, and every day house hold items.

In the pilot he shouts esoteric gibberish. Why does Constantine need to recite a greatest hits of the world’s religions? At one point he says, “By the star of David I command you?”

If the show runners are afraid to go full-Latin-exorcism, then they need to modernize John’s methods. Have him bluff his way through a spell, making up a curse using things tacked to the wall, like a warped homage to The Usual Suspects. Have him use the MacGyver method, building an emergency talisman with objects he has on hand.

Can NBC's Constantine live up to the original Hellblazer series?
Can NBC’s Constantine live up to the original Hellblazer series?

It’s Too Soft

The pilot is a PG outing. There’s no way you’ll mistake it for premium cable offerings like Penny Dreadful, True Blood, or Salem. Even by network standards, this is tepid horror. The X-Files conjured up more frightening demons. We’re told Astrid was ripped apart by Nergal, but we see him use a telekinetic tractor beam to gently tug her into a light.

Relying on the same makeup and effects we always see, the spirits are more cartoony than scary. Constantine needs to distinguish itself from shows like Grimm. The show runners should take a page from their network sibling Hannibal and go harder.

Conclusions

The pilot is worth watching, but our screens are over saturated with supernatural horror. The series needs to establish a unique identity. The mysteries should ride out longer, here John just opens a book and knows he’s dealing with Furcifer. They need to take time to develop the characters.

I’d like to write a spec script for Constantine. Drafting my own episode, I’d lower the seen count, the locations, and the effects budget. Hell, in some of the best Constantine stories, he’s just tied to a chair. I’d start there.

(Update)

I went ahead and wrote an original Constantine story called Gambling with Souls. My take on the character emphasizes his skill for con artistry in the face of evil. It’s hardcore horror with a dark sense of humor. Check it out.

Will NBC's Constantine give weaker supernatural TV shows the two finger salute?
Will NBC’s Constantine give weaker supernatural TV shows the two finger salute?

Living with Batman Syndrome

Batman, the ride
Batman, the ride

You or someone you know might be suffering from a debilitating condition, one casting darkness over your outlook, attitude, and wardrobe. If left untreated, it can manifest through violence, erratic behavior, and a very specific dance. It can be triggered by life events: the loss of a job, a relationship, or the death of one’s parents. Those afflicted cannot will themselves out, after all, it’s their “will to act” that got them into it.

Symptoms include a loss of interest in socializing, prolonged feelings of guilt, and a fear of flying rodents. Those with the condition may have trouble sleeping, unless suspended upside down. They may feel persistent pain in their overworked glamour muscles, resulting in a puffing of the chest and a broadening of the shoulders. They may experience an overconfidence in their martial arts ability, followed by a compulsion to get into situations to demonstrate it. This is known as ‘restless fist syndrome.’

In worst case scenarios, those with the condition have a death wish involving a spiked wall, a vat of chemicals, or an automated freeze ray.

I’m of course referring to Batman Syndrome.

The condition is often misdiagnosed as asthma, due to the patient slipping into ‘gravel speak’, wheezing through lines from Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy, often dialogue never spoken by Batman himself. Coughing through quotes like, “Not the hero the city deserves, but the hero the it needs,” they may sound as if they’ve run up several flights of stairs.

Once the condition has gotten this far, the effects may be irreversible. That’s why it’s important to recognize the symptoms early on.

Mr. Freeze gets the Dark Knight into the holiday spirit
Mr. Freeze gets the Dark Knight into the holiday spirit

Warning Signs

Early warning signs someone may be developing the condition include:

  • Tying a towel around their neck, they leave it long after their hair has dried.
  • They draw abs, and or nipples, on the outside of their clothes.
  • They paint their mirror so only their lips and chin are visible.
  • Their pants are weighed down by an assortment of nonlethal weapons, bundled nets, and shark repellent.
  • Trickling sweat, draws attention to the bodysuit peaking out from their collar.
  • Distracted, they look for grappling points on nearby buildings.
  • Looking away, you catch them trying to disappear in the middle of a conversation.
  • Beating around the bush, they ask if anyone you know has access to any ‘lightweight fabrics,’ for a friend.
  • They refer to you as, “My ward, old chum,” or “boy wonder,” despite your age or gender.
  • They suffer anxiety during public functions, checking windows for sniper positions. They look over every security guard at museum openings. They’re suspicious of large cakes at charity functions.
  • There’s a search for “nearest cave system” in their GPS application
  • Flipping through their wallet, you find they’ve drawn a cowl with pointy ears on George Washington.
  • At the department store, they ask, “Do you have any gloves like this that go up to the forearm, and also do you have any shark toys, preferably with large blue fins?”
  • At the auto dealer, they ask, “Does it come in black? Also, can the fender be retrofitted to conceal a motorcycle?”
Catwoman steals herself a Batman
Catwoman steals herself a Batman

Types of Batman Syndrome

All Batman Syndrome types are not the same. The symptoms of a high-functioning person with the condition may manifest as an occasional reference, while someone with a severe case, might break their leg jumping from building to building.

Batman Beginners

These people are fans of the films, the Arkham Asylum video games, and one of the cartoon interpretations.

They’re unaware there was a Robin after Dick Grayson, let alone an alternate universe where the Dark Knight was played by Thomas Wayne. They couldn’t tell you any one of Harley Quinn’s three separate origins.

They know not of Dark Claw, the amalgamation of Bruce Wayne and Wolverine, of Batman’s face off with the Predator, or of Superman’s stint as Gotham’s protector.

Their symptoms are manageable, allowing them to lead normal lives, hold jobs, and kiss girls.

Atypical Detectives

Keeping their cowls in the closet, these people hide comic books beneath their mattresses. Their action figures are tucked away in the attic. They have most of their symptoms in check.

They slip up every so often, dropping out of context quotes into casual conversation. They tell the manager at Chuck E. Cheese they’re buying the location and setting some new rules about the ball pit area. When someone swears to God, they instinctively shout, “Swear to me!” They tell people not to thank them for small gestures, like opening doors.

An Atypical Detective can go years before they’re ever diagnosed, suffering in silence.

Chronic Caped Crusaders

Referring to their parent’s basement as the ‘Batcave,’ these people wear blue and grey pajamas into their thirties. Drawing Catwoman masks on centerfolds, they make-out with life-sized cutouts of Anne Hathaway, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Eartha Kitt.

Shaving the bat-insignia into their chest hair, with Prince’s Batdance blaring in the background, they practice their fight regiment in Bat-symbol underpants.

Preaching the gospel of Gotham, they are evangelists of the Knight’s quest, arguing the series cannon in public. They have a screenplay waiting for the Nolan brothers to green-light.

Beware of the Batdog
Beware of the Batdog

Major Dark Knightification

This is someone who wears dark eyeliner, anticipating a need to pull down their mask at a moment’s notice. They hoard a colony of bats in their apartment. They drop smoke pellets to conceal bodily emissions.

Loosing their grip on reality, they see phantom Bat-signals during the daytime. Their world has gone ‘full-Gotham.’ They see gargoyles where others see smokestacks. They see art deco statues where others see street signs. They see the Wayne Tower on every skyline.

Someone suffering from full Dark Knightification will get into fisticuffs with birthday clowns, knock umbrellas out of the hands of affluent gentlemen, and stop their car at cornfields to tear scarecrows off their stands.

Those who are this far gone, enjoy normality only one night a year, on Halloween.

Treatments

Although there are several effective treatments for Batman syndrome, or Dark Knightis, there is no known cure. Flareups will occur during high crime periods, prolonged darkness, and the summer movie season.

If you’re concerned someone you know suffers from Batman Syndrome, offer support and understanding, without enabling their behavior. If they pressure you to make them a bat suit, make sure to use rainbow fabric. If they get confrontational, just say, “That’s what he wore, in 1957, so that’s what I’m sewing.”

Never ignore comments about mail-order masks, vigilante justice, or comic book conventions. These are cries for help. Your loved one has a Batman on their back. You can be their Joker with a crowbar ready and willing to pry him off.

For the millions afflicted with the condition, there is hope. Director Joel Schumacher, offers an effective treatment plan: weekly viewings of his film Batman and Robin will lesson a person’s appreciation for the character. The cartoon Beware the Batman is also available. This should tide those with Batman Syndrome over while Director Zack Snyder labors to find a cure.

1957's Rainbow Batman finally gets a real life rendition.
1957’s Rainbow Batman finally gets a real life rendition.